LemynLime

I'm really glad I forgot all about this website. Because if I didn't, I would've deleted my profile here like I did most of my other accounts. As I've been getting older and lonelier, depression and social anxiety have been hitting me extra hard these past couple of years. With those in play, in addition to my already intense insecurity and frustration with my own art, I decided to wipe most of my online presence on a whim. And you know what? I won't lie. Not having the self-imposed pressure to draw and post regularly to try and stay "relevant" was great, and still is. I felt kind of good for a little while. Then 2023 came. This has easily been the worst fucking year of my life so far. I started attending college, and I was doing pretty damn good with a 3.8 GPA. But I still felt like a weird idiot who didn't belong, and I dreaded going there every day. A big part of why I wanted to go in the first place was because I wanted to try and socialize more, and of course I couldn't even do that. Then I suddenly lost my mother back in May, only a week after my birthday/Mother's day, and I still haven't emotionally or mentally recovered from it. As fucking sad and pathetic as it is to admit, she was unironically the closest thing I had to a best friend. Now that she's out of the picture, I'm truly alone. Since then, things have been an absolute mess for me. I had to organize and pay for her funeral almost entirely by myself, which was insanely stressful since I had to learn everything on the spot. And now I have to burn through even more of my savings to keep the lights on in this house until I'm able to afford to move out. Things are suddenly starting to break and fall apart around here now, so I have to worry about paying to fix all of that. I wish I could say I can rely on my brothers for help, but they're good-for-nothing idiots that are somehow even worse off than I am, which says a lot. But I digress. I then made the rash decision to switch majors in college TWICE before ultimately just dropping out entirely for the time being. The best part is, I did this outside of my school's refund period, so that's yet another blow to my finances. Epic. But that's entirely my own fault, so I can't whine about it too much. I've never been a particularly happy, optimistic person, but needless to say, all of this is REALLY eating at me on the inside. My suicidal thoughts have been getting so much worse, and I've just... gotten used to them. Not a day goes by where I don't think about it. I may not act on these thoughts anytime soon, but I really do feel like I'm nearing the end of my life. Like there's nothing else for me to really do. Like there's nothing I CAN do. Mind you, I know none of this may necessarily be true, but I just can't shake the gut feeling no matter how hard I try. There's been a lot of other shit that's happened to me this year, but these are just the... "highlights," for lack of a better term. I could go on and on, but I don't want to spend too much time writing a poorly composed, edgy essay that nobody is going to read, anyway. Just wanted to vent a bit. Might as well do it here because now there's nobody I can comfortably talk to in real life about this. On a completely different, less depressing note, I plan on using this website again... kind of. I want to share some of the old crap I made over the years that I never uploaded here. As much as deviantart sucks, I still think it's pretty decent for archiving art. After that's done, though, I can't promise I'll be posting new stuff too frequently. My passion for art has been really dying out this year, mainly because of the events I described above. But I did do quite a bit of drawing last week, and I genuinely enjoyed myself for the first time in a very long while, so who knows. Maybe that could change.